Date me (?)
I am looking for love and, in true nerd fashion, I can’t think of any better way to find it than write a well-formatted markdown file. Think of this as a README.md for dating me. Or maybe a CONTRIBUTING.md? Yeah, let’s say contributing…
If you want to know more about me generically, you can find that on the about page.
Preferences
Women.
Ideally women around my age (29 at time of writing). I’m not overly specific about type and tend to focus more on character. But some physical characteristics I like: shorter than me normally, maybe tending towards slimmer, darker hair, well dressed (I always dress smart myself, it’s an affliction).
I can’t stand slow talkers and prefer quick-witted people. In avoidance of cliche, I’ll save you the obvious things: good communication, sense of humour, open-mindedness. Okay, that’s a classic case of paralipsis. I like confident people, chatty people, and decisive people. I like women with a bit of chutzpah, spunk, pizzazz, and so on and so forth. If you’re the sort of woman who wants a protective alpha then, well, look at my picture…
Preferably, in a relationship, I like a lot of humour and teasing, rather than a strictly business attitude. Don’t worry. My ego doesn’t bruise too easily so you can hit me with your best shot.
I’d like a serious, committed relationship, but I’m not 100% sure of my long-term goals right now.
Sexual preferences available on request hehe.
Technical specs
I’m 5’9”, caucasian, brown hair and brown eyes, with a slim athletic build. Myers-Briggs tells me I’m ENTJ if that’s something you care about. I work as a senior team lead at an AI scale up and live in Cambridge (but may be moving to London soon, lock up your daughters). I have a BA in natural science from Cambridge (Jesus College) and an MSci in the history and philosophy of science.
I’m originally from Swansea but have a more or less RP accent these days. I currently live in a house share. No religious beliefs of note.
I like jazz, classical, and latin music, and play guitar in a jazz band. I go swing dancing (lindy hop and charleston) a few times a week. I spend quite a lot of time reading, either classic literature, non-fiction, or articles online. I follow politics, and love a good philosophical debate. I also spend some amount of time writing on my substack and have been known to loiter around a movie theatre or two. I run and play badminton to keep in shape, and ski in the winter.
Things I don’t much care for: pop music, wasting time mindlessly scrolling social media, shallow conversations, people who take themselves too seriously, people who don’t take themselves seriously enough, people who don’t have opinions about things, and slow talkers.
I don’t expect perfect alignment on all these with the person I date, but the above should be somewhat indicative of my character.
Tradeoffs
No one is perfect. But some people are at or near the pareto frontier. Being there necessarily entails tradeoffs between different personality features. Whether I’m at or near the frontier is something you’ll have to find out, woi oi.
Anyway, here are some tradeoffs I think accurately capture the vector-space representation of my personality.
High intensity, some chill
I’m kinda high intensity. I mean, how many people like writing oddly specific substack articles as an evening pass-time? Not too many. I get very passionate about things, gesticulating wildly, and can talk at length about subjects I love. Don’t let me near a microphone - I love public speaking! On the flip side, chilled out isn’t the word people tend to use to describe me. I wouldn’t say I can’t relax, but I tend to have a preference for being active, doing things, discussing things, and not for passive consumption.
That being said people do say I’m easy-going. I can get along with almost anyone and I’m agreeable even when I’m disagreeing.
Cerebral, slightly awkward
Basically, I’m a brain on a stick. Okay, that’s not quite fair. I dance. I run. I ski. I badminton. But I’m not known for my completely smooth, relaxed, comfortable body language and I never will be. Though maybe with the right person…
Confident, not confident
I can come across quite confident sometimes. This is especially so when espousing on subjects I’m passionate about. I have the gift of the gab. At work I can be very decisive and in command when I need to be.
This is literally the exact opposite of how I tend to relate to people when I’m in a relationship. I mean, yeah, I’ll still be confident and passionate about certain topics. But I’m less confident and generally uncommanding in romantic affairs. I like confident women who make for a suitable sparring partner.
Slow to start, deeply loyal
I don’t develop attachments quickly, but they’re strong when they do form. I’m not likely to fall in love with you at first sight; it normally takes time. But if it grows and deepens, you’re never getting rid of me!
(This is a joke; it’s totally okay to get rid of me if you want to, I’m not a creepy stalker dude. Though isn’t that something a creepy stalker dude would say? I really feel needing to assert you’re not a creepy stalker dude is a bad sign. Well…)
Pragmatic, not romantic
I’m not one for big, bold declarations of love. I see things in unhealthily pragmatic terms. To wit, I have described dating as “like a marketing funnel”, “a numbers game”, and “basically a case of ticking off a checklist of features”. Okay, that’t a bit unfair - I do enjoy swooning over someone and I like a bit of physical touch (this is not meant sexually - no, really) - but I’m not mister “flowers every date.” I can write a decent poem from time to time though, if that’s your thing.
Now, am I willing to learn to be romantic? Sure! But just know, this is something I will need teaching. My task-relevant maturity is not good, so you’re going to have to manage me in this area. I shouldn’t be writing this, should I? There goes my last chance of finding love. Oh, well, easy come easy go.
Building a relationship
As much as a relationship needs to be built on a base of mutual attraction and shared goals/values, it also requires a lot of work. Which is great, cause I’m a workaholic.
I think it’s good to be clear ahead of time how I see relationship-building in general. If you couldn’t tell by this point, I tend to like things structured and clear, rather than ambiguous. I think it’s important actually to talk about the relationship on a regular basis.
For the first date, I normally see this as a sanity check - ie are both of us sane? (The answer is no, I’m not sane). Very few people excel on a first date because it’s an inherently awkward scenario, so I don’t feel sparks need to fly right away.
I think the second date is a great opportunity to go a bit deeper, having built up trust and a bit of a connection. I like to talk about relationship and life views, as well as attitudes towards intimacy. Yes, alas, I will probably ask you about your attitudes towards sex - let’s not pretend that isn’t important.
Admittedly, people can find this a little awkward at first. But my God, how much better to get it out of the way early and actually know that you’re right for each other! After all, the biggest destroyer of relationships is misaligment - whether on exclusivity, values, intimacy preferences, communication styles, or anything else.
From there, it gets a bit more free-form, but it’s super important to keep checking in with each other on where you’re at. If any of this sounds alarming or uncomfortable, maybe we’re not right for each other.
Contact
Well done! You made it this far. If, by some miracle, I still seem like a viable candidate for you, I advise you to visit your local psychiatrist.
If you still are interested, don’t hesitate to say hello.
You can reach me via email (if you have it) or on my linkedin or substack social media accounts (yes, I know, weird places to reach me, right? What a strange guy).
I may not keep this 100% updated, so may be in a relationship by the time you reach out. Though if past performance (not an indicator of future behaviour) is anything to go by, that’s unlikely (cf tradeoffs section).
If this doesn’t appeal to you: happy hunting.